Thursday, February 23, 2012

Starbucks Launches Haircolor Apartheid: Brunettes Get the Good Stuff and Blondes Get the Bland

Starbucks Blonde: for Ding-a-lings Who Drink Coffee with Pink Straws
Have you heard about the new Starbucks Blonde Roast?  When I walked into a Starbucks yesterday and saw the big Blonde Roast poster, for a split second I thought Starbucks was instituting some kind of haircolor apartheid.  What a stupid name for coffee!  When I hear "blonde coffee," I picture what comes out of the coffee maker if you forget to put new coffee in the filter basket and just run water through old grounds.  Have you ever heard anyone praise a pale yellow cup of coffee?  I normally try to abstain from blonde-bashing (since the only person in my household whose hair is NOT naturally blonde is me), but in this case I have to wonder whether someone in the marketing department at Starbucks was left in the peroxide too long.

[BTW, I have no idea who that poor girl is with the pink straw.  I found the photo here, on a web site that says she is Norwegian -- but if that's true, then I'm sure she is drinking DARK BROWN coffee through her straw.  All of the Norwegians I know take their coffee seriously!]

The beans themselves look so unappetizing, like Starbucks forgot to roast them.  Are we sure they are even coffee beans?  They look suspiciously like a lab-created sunflower seed/lentil bean hybrid.  Yuck!

Personally, I want nothing to do with the blonde coffee.  I found a couple of reviews online for Starbucks Blonde Roast (here and here) and they were uniformly unfavorable -- apparently it LOOKS like coffee, but lacks flavor and aroma.  The nicest thing anyone had to say about the Blonde Roast is that "it's not meant to appeal to people who like coffee, it's meant for people who like Dunkin' Donuts coffee!"  It seems Starbucks Blonde would be more aptly named Starbucks Bland or Starbucks Blech.  Isn't there a lawyer out there who'd like to launch a class action defamation lawsuit on behalf of the world's coffee-loving blonde people?

Have YOU tried Starbucks Blonde?  What did YOU think?

1 comment:

Joann Mannix said...

I have not tried the Starbucks blonde coffee and I won't now, thanks to your blechy reaction.

Seriously. We blondes get way too much hate rained down at us as it is. I try not to let it get to me. I try to think, "Poor blonde haters. They must be j-e-a-l-o-u-s." And yes, I do spell it out in my head, to prove to myself that you can be blonde and a good speller.

Also, when people tell me blonde jokes, my standard answer is a cocker spaniel tilt of the head with, "But like, I don't get it." Hmmph. And now I have to go study the captcha for a little bit longer than all the non-blondes out there. I'm hoping I am successful.