Do I Need To Start Wearing Garbage Bags, Or Will Someone Please Tell Me Where to Buy Normal Rise Jeans in 2013?

Catherine Sarah Young of The Perceptionalist Models Trash Bag Dress

No, this is not me wearing a plastic trash bag --yet.  I found that bit of fashion inspiration at The Perceptionalist, the science/design/art/environmentalism blog of Catherine Sarah Young, in a post entitled "Hacking a Garbage Bag as a Dress.  Because Apocalypse."  Aren't you just smitten already?   

Now, you may be wondering WHY I am scouring the Internet for fashionable ways to wear a Hefty bag.  Fine; fair question.  The answer is that I hate clothes and clothes shopping, yet I dislike being cold. 

Stupid Jeans In Stores Everywhere, Photo Courtesy The New York Times

Suddenly that trash bag dress is looking pretty chic, isn't it?  I desperately need to buy jeans, but the Fashion Fascists are still dictating the stupid low-rise pants mandate and I refuse to buy another pair of jeans that won't stay up without the help of a bulky, uncomfortable belt.  Hello, jeans designers!  My WAIST is actually SMALLER than my hips!  If the top of my jeans didn't end at the widest part of my butt, my pants would stay up all by themselves, even after stretching out a bit throughout the day!  Yes, I know what you're thinking -- the helpful sales twits have explained to me that, if I would just consent to buy my jeans in a smaller size, perhaps we could get them to fit tight enough around my hips to stay up sans belt -- kind of like how a tourniquet stays in place when it's so tight that it cuts off your circulation.  This, of course, leads to the unpleasant phenomenon of Upsqueeze, more commonly known as The Muffin Top:

Nakedness is not an option at this time of year due to the cold factor -- never mind the accompanying societal disapproval and laws against exhibitionism; my objections are all about comfort.  As unflattering as the trash bag dress may be, it does look more comfortable than sausage-casing jeans, and the plastic bag might actually make a good insulator and windbreaker.  Unless anyone has other options that I should consider???