Backing Seamed, Borders In Progress, and a Mismatched Pattern Lament

First of all, I want to thank those of you who reached out to me with words of encouragement, commiseration, empathy, and scripture after my last dispirited post.  As burdensome as this forced isolation is, it would be so much worse without technology and the Internet as a lifeline of connection.  I love all of you so much!

Spirit Song Quilt Top on Wall, Backing Fabric on Ironing Board

Okay, so I only actually sewed ONE seam on Monday, but at least it's something that is crossed off the list now, right?  It took me over an hour to clear off everything from my cutting table, finding homes for everything rather than just shifting piles from one surface to another.  Then I had to change my needle, wind a bobbin, thread the machine with matching thread, tear my fabric edges along the grain line, snip and tear at the center point, press both lengths of fabric, pin them together, sew the seam, and then press the seam open.  Whew!!  Just TYPING all of that is exhausting!  ;-)

I Sewed a Seam Yesterday!

You who know be best will understand that it PAINS ME to post this photo on the Internet, flaunting the mismatched pattern repeat for all the world to see.  Am I doing this as an exercise in humility, or as an act of self-flagellation?  Either way, it had to be done -- I have nothing else to show for myself, and no one wants to read a rambling blog post without any pictures!

See? I AM Perfectly Capable of Pattern Matching!

I know the lighting is awful in that photo, but there is a vertical seam running straight down the center of the photo that you can only see because the seam allowance creates a white "stripe" where the dark table doesn't show through.  I would have loved to be able to match the pattern like that on my quilt backing, even though I would have had to purchase additional fabric and even though it would have taken me more time.  Note to quilting fabric manufacturers: I love your beautiful fabrics, but I wish you guys were better about ensuring that large scale repeats could be matched just within the selvages, and I wish you published the horizontal and vertical repeats for your prints the way home dec fabric manufacturers do.  The drapery fabric shown above is a 54" wide drapery weight linen from Robert Allen (Eleria pattern in Graphite, but this project was 7 years ago so the fabric may be discontinued by now).  The large scale print has a horizontal repeat of 54" (the full fabric width) and a 27 3/4" vertical repeat that matches up approximately 1/2" to 3/4" inside the selvages, and that's typical for home dec fabrics marketed for interior design use.  So, because the repeat information is on the memo samples, web site, and every fabric bolt, you (or your interior designer/workroom) can easily calculate how much additional yardage needs to be purchased in order to match up every seam perfectly like the one in the photo above.  

Yes, There Are Two vertical Seams in This Window Treatment

Even with the variety of extra-wide quilt backing fabrics that we have today, I still find myself frequently falling in love with a 44" wide fabric print for a quilt backing.  

In Flight, color Indigo, from Free Spirit Fabrics

With this particular fabric (pattern "In Flight," color Indigo, from Murmur collection by Valori Wells for Free Spirit Fabrics, available from various etsy sellers here), I believe I'd have lost a good 10-12" of fabric width if I'd brought that seam all the way in to where the patterns would match, and of course I would have needed additional yardage to do that, too, which I did not remember when purchasing the fabric...  It might have been possible for me to achieve a pattern match with this fabric if I'd purchased additional yardage, but the entire state of North Carolina is under lockdown now due to COVID-19 and our governor and health officials do not understand that stores that sell fabric are essential businesses supporting the mental health of quilters!  And so, we make do.  I know; it's just the backing, but for the hundreds of hours that go into designing and crafting a quilt, I really would like to be able to match my patterns on my backing seams!  So: 

NOTE TO SELF FOR NEXT TIME: When considering a large scale print backing fabric, VERIFY & MEASURE PATTERN REPEAT AT THE QUILT SHOP and increase yardage to accommodate pattern matching!

That's a note to quilt shops as well, by the way.  If shop associates who are working at your cutting table ask customers what their intended use is for large scale patterned fabric and offer to help calculate how much extra would be needed to match the pattern repeat for a quilt backing, it's a win-win.  Happy customer with invisible pattern matched seam on the back of his or her quilt, and happy shop that is selling more fabric!  Whatever -- it's done, it's nice and flat and square, measuring 94" x 87" so it's plenty big enough for my Spirit Song quilt top, and it's ready to load on my longarm frame.  

And so I moved on to my borders.  The 1" FW (finished width) inner border for this quilt is from the same fabric collection (Dots in Blue, Murmur Collection by Valori Wells for Free Spirit Fabrics, available from Etsy sellers here).  

Dots in Blue, Free Spirit Fabrics

As you can see, this fabric has dots arranged in a subtle stripe pattern that runs parallel to the selvages.  I briefly considered cutting my borders on the cross grain to display the striped effect, but decided that my quilt top had enough going on already.  And so, to avoid that blue stripe from showing up randomly in one or two borders but not in all of them, I cut the lengthwise borders one at a time, single layer, avoiding the area where the dots are spaced farther apart.  

1.5 Inch CW Blue Borders and 5 Inch CW Floral Borders

The wider outer border fabric went faster, since I was able to cut those strips with the fabric folded and let the blossoms land wherever they wanted.  That's another one from Free Spirit Fabrics, by the way -- they seem to be my current favorite quilt fabric company!

Painted Daisy in Magenta, Kaffe Fassett Collective for Free Spirit Fabrics

In case you're as smitten with this fabric as I am, I should warn you that it's an older, non-reorderable pattern.  However, as of this writing there are some Etsy sellers who still have some Painted Daisy fabric here.  

First Border Pinned, Ready to Stitch!

So far I've attached two of the skinny blue borders to the long sides of my quilt.  Hopefully today I will get ALL of the remaining borders sewn to the quilt top, and maybe even get Spirit Song loaded on the longarm frame!  

SEW...  Time to revisit last week's sewing goals:

Last Week's To-Do List for March 25-31

1. Procure batting for my Spirit Song quilt
2. Add borders to Spirit Song to complete quilt top.
3. Piece Spirit Song backing
4. Make Spirit Song binding and set aside
5. Load SOMETHING on my frame -- either a practice piece, a charity top, or the Spirit Song quilt -- and START QUILTING!

Well, I accomplished two out of five and the third is in progress.  Looking at that list again today, I realize that I should have put down "Clean up studio, clear off cutting table" on the list as well, because that needed to be done before I could accurately measure, cut, or pin large pieces of fabric and I always underestimate how long those "housekeeping" tasks will take.  Getting my workspace organized and set up for what I want to do next should definitely count towards productivity, don't you think?  With that in mind, here's what I hope to accomplish in the studio this week:

Tuesday's To-Do List (on Wednesday!) for April 1-7

1. Attach remaining borders to Spirit Song to complete quilt top
2. Set up longarm machine for quilting: Clean and oil machine, new size 3.5 needle, thread with monofilament in needle and either So Fine or Bottom Line in the bobbin.  Test tension and do some "warmup practice stitching" 
3. Load Spirit Song on longarm frame
4. Begin SID (Stitch In the Ditch) quilting with monofilament thread

And of course, my One Monthly Goal for April is to get Spirit Song completely quilted!  If I could have it labeled and bound by the end of the month, too, that would just be the icing on the cake.  Wish me luck!

I'm linking today's post with:

·       One Monthly Goal at Elm Street Quilts: Elm Street Quilts  

·       Colour and Inspiration Tuesday at Clever Chameleon

·       To-Do Tuesday at Home Sewn By Us

·       Let’s Do Some Ruler Work at The Quilt Yarn

·       Midweek Makers at Quilt Fabrication

·       Wednesday Wait Loss at The Inquiring Quilter

·       Needle and Thread Thursday at My Quilt Infatuation  

(I'm not actually linking up with the Ruler Work linky today, just visiting the other links since I didn't quite get to any ruler quilting yet.  But I'll be visiting the other link partiers for inspiration, and hope to link up some ruler quilting later this week since Karen's link party runs for a full week).

Stay home, stay safe, and HAPPY STITCHING!

Here We Go Again, Folks: Spinning My Wheels Between Projects, With Fits of Indecision Interspersed With Flu Hallucinations

Well, first off, I'm in a funk because I should be at choir rehearsal right now and I'm NOT.  All because of some obnoxious virus that decided to attack me at the back of my throat with what started out as a bothersome itchiness, progressed to feeling like I'd swallowed a mouthful of broken glass, and ended up as evil laryngitis teetering on the brink of bronchitis -- complete with that lovely barking cough.  I've been canceling everything all week, taking antibiotics and narcotic cough syrup that is supposedly potentially addictive but tastes like snot (WHO COULD POSSIBLY GET ADDICTED TO COUGH SYRUP THAT TASTES LIKE BOOGERS?!!!)...  Did I catch the flu from my son Lars, or is this some other wicked illness?  The doctor said I was too late for antiviral meds to do any good by the time I saw her, but she prescribed the Z-pack as a precaution due to my history of any and all upper respiratory ick turning into bronchitis and laryngitis.  Ugh, ugh, and ugh.  No fever, no vomiting -- THOSE I can deal with!  Instead, I'm like the poor Little Mermaid.  Ursula the Flu Virus has stolen my voice!  

Ursula the Flu Virus Has Stolen My Voice!

And yet, through the Theraflu and narcotic prescription cough syrup induced haze, I somehow managed to start another paper pieced pineapple block, just for YOU, COLLEEN!!  Colleen is one of my readers, and she recently wrote to tell me that she is "very, very old" and she's afraid she might die before she ever gets to see my finished pineapple log cabin quilt.  I have no idea how old "very old" is and whether or not Colleen has reason to believe her days on earth are numbered.  For all I know, Colleen just turned 40 and her friends threw her a mean "over the hill" birthday party.  And yet, I am so susceptible to her artful quilt guilt that I started another block.  You know, just in case.  ;-)

In One Hour, I Sewed 17 Pieces on This Block.  Only 80 More Pieces to Go!

Despite being close to finishing the blocks for this quilt, it's not a top priority for me right now because I want to work on my longarm quilting skills before I quilt this one.  So I decided to set a timer and spend just one hour working on it and see how far I got.  Not very impressive, is it?!  In one hour, I got 17 patches sewn onto this block.  Each block requires 97 strips of fabric sewn down, pressed and trimmed, so that means each one of these blocks takes something like 6 hours for me to make.  Seriously?!  That's discouraging!!  

Maybe I will die first, and Colleen will end up finishing this quilt FOR me!  When it's done, it will be California King size and it will look something like this:

Mockup of Pineapple Log Cabin Quilt Courtesy of EQ Software

Meanwhile, my longarm frame is empty and I need to get something easy on it before I forget everything I learned so far.  Which brings me back to those Tabby Mountain triangles.

Tabby Mountain On My Wall, Perplexing Me With Strange Piecing Instructions

This was supposed to be a "quick and easy" quilt top so I could focus on the longarm quilting, remember?  Then I had the delay when I decided I couldn't live with a couple of the fabric prints and had to swap them out, but once I finally got ready to start piecing the top I saw THIS in the directions, and what with the fog of illness and whatnot, it was just too much for my tired little brain to deal with:

What Kind Of Instruction Is "Jog the Ends Slightly?!"

"Jog the ends slightly" sounds ominous to me.  I had visions of sewing triangles together and ripping them apart to resew them over and over again, trying to ascertain the appropriate amount of edge-jogging required to get the straight edges aligned with a triangle point 1/4" away from the raw edges.  Ugh.  There MUST be a way to line these pieces up properly for the sewing machine so they come out right the first time!

Have I Jogged My Triangles Enough, Or Have I Jogged Them Too Much?

I tried drawing the seam line 1/4" in to try to visualize better how things will line up, but I still think that trial and error is going to be involved.  There is no "jogged edges" marking on any of my quilting rulers, and I am NOT going to be happy with jagged rows and chopped off triangle points!  Which brings me to the next item of concern: The Tabby Mountain pattern instructions tell me to press all of these seams OPEN.  Why???  Am I missing something?  It is so difficult to keep seam intersections from shifting out of alignment if you can't nest opposing seam allowances.  So I'm scrutinizing this pattern, wondering if my flu-addled brain is missing a real reason why these seams should be pressed open, or if I can just disregard that instruction and press all of the even rows to the right and all the odd rows to the left.  Those of you who are NOT sick and DO have your wits about you, please share your opinions in the comments!  

And also meanwhile, despite my resolve to prioritize my projects according to an overall goal of building up my longarm quilting skills -- a goal which DOES require starting new projects, since I don't have a stack of quilt tops waiting to be quilted, but it requires SIMPLE new projects that sew up quickly so I can focus on quilting them...  I committed to starting this applique BOM (Block of the Month) designed by Esther Aliu, and probably bit off more than I can chew.  

Queen's Garden BOM, Designed by Esther Aliu

Since this is a current BOM just beginning this month, I am going to see a lot of different versions of this popping up in the dark corners of the Internet that I frequent -- you know, the places where all the scary applique chicks hang out (hah!).  I'm sure mine won't be the prettiest or most masterfully stitched version of this quilt, but I do want mine to be DIFFERENT so I know it's mine, you know?  I spent a LOT of time perusing Pinterest and contemplating color schemes, brainstorming and browsing and boring my husband to tears with discussions about the elusive, magical background fabric my mind envisions for this quilt...

Behold, My Blueberry Applique Background Fabric!!

And, eureka!!  This is it, folks.  It's neither the typical white nor the common alternate, black.  It's not a print, which would be interesting, but also something that I've seen in a lot of other applique quilts.  I wanted a colored background, something tame enough not to upstage the bright, splashy prints I'm planning to use in my applique, but with its own personality and "something special."  So I ended up choosing Kaffe Fassett Shot Cotton in Blueberry, pictured above with a few KF fat quarters in bright colors that may or may not be chopped up into applique pieces.  See how they just glow against the muted purply background fabric?  LOVE!!!

Kaffe Fassett Shot Cotton in Blueberry

You can see the subtle iridescence of this fabric in the photo above, which is due to different yarn colors used for the warp and weft.  So it will be crucial to make sure that all of the blocks are oriented in the same direction on this quilt, or else they will appear to be different colors.  That's Challenge Number One, easily overcome by marking the Top of each block with a contrasting thread color tailor tack.

Next Challenge: This Stuff Is Pretty Flimsy!

Next challenge: The Kaffe Fassett Shot Cotton isn't like a regular quilting cotton.  It's almost like a cotton lawn.  It's semi-sheer, even in a dark color, when held up to the light, and it doesn't have much body at all.  It's kind of filmy and floaty. These are not ideal characteristics of an applique background fabric that has to support all of those stitches and other fabrics without distortion.  Yet the designer in me has her heart set on this background fabric, and she will not yield to reason.  So...  Can I starch or size this fabric into submission, or do I need to fuse each block background to a really lightweight fusible interfacing before I begin?  I do not want a stiff finished quilt.  

The other quandary is whether I am going to stitch this project by hand or by machine.  I'm definitely doing a turned edge technique rather than fusible, because the soft, dimensional quality is what I love most about applique.  My personal preference, that's all.  This is not a difficult project per se because they are 16" blocks and the applique shapes are huge.  It's the tiny shapes that are the most difficult to execute well with turned edge applique.  However, as I discovered with my 6-hour hand stitched binding marathon this week, hand stitching is a SLOW process.  It is the OPPOSITE of the "quick and easy, get it on the frame so I can quilt it" mantra that is supposed to be guiding my project selections right now. 

On the Facebook group for this BOM I've seen several quilters posting photos of beautifully done machine stitched applique for the center block, and I'm considering going that route.  And I can't make up my mind.

Hand Stitched Block On the Left vs. Machine Stitched Block On the Right

REASONS TO APPLIQUE QUEEN'S GARDEN BY MACHINE:

• I am already up to my armpits with WIP projects that are unbelievably time consuming and take years to complete, including a needle-turned applique project that is languishing and not being worked on at all.  That hand stitched applique block on the left in the above photo is a UFO/WIP/Whatever that is 5 or 6 years old and still not finished...
• Can I even keep up with the BOM schedule while also getting in adequate longarm quilting practice and keeping up with all my other commitments, such as work, family, staying on top of the music for my various choirs, etc.?
• Jeanne Sullivan has instructions for machine stitched turned edge applique in her Simply Successful Applique book, as does Harriet Hargrave in her Mastering Machine Applique book.  I even took a class on this technique with Harriet, and she uses the exact same machine as me (Bernina 750QEE) and I wrote down her tried-and-true machine settings for invisible machine applique.  It CAN be done well, and there's no reason I can't do it...
• These oversized applique shapes that would take an eternity to stitch by hand with neat little hand stitches spaced 1/16th of an inch apart would be a lot faster to stitch down by machine, and because the shapes are so big they would probably be a good first project for putting those machine applique lessons into practice.  

REASONS TO APPLIQUE QUEEN'S GARDEN BY HAND:

• Oh, how I loathed machine applique when I took that class!  I have so much more control when I'm hand stitching.  Even going slowly, I still have stitches where the needle didn't land exactly where I wanted it to.  When a hand stitch looks bad, you can pull out just that one stitch for a do-over.  With machine stitches it's not so easy!  It was stressful.  There was profanity.  That one little tulip block in the photo above was the class sample that I made 5 years ago, and that is is the only thing I have ever done using this method.  You can read all about it here.
• The flimsy background fabric may pose more of a problem with machine stitched applique, which requires stabilizer anyway.  I don't want a puckering, distorted mess.
• I am bored with my Frankenwhiggish Rose hand applique project and feel like playing with different color schemes during my slow stitching spells. But wait, is that a reason to applique by hand, or a reason to applique by machine so I finish the project before I get bored with it???

Ever Have One Of Those Days?

And, needless to say, nothing is getting sewn while I agonize over these decisions.  Nothing, that is, except those 17 strips of fabric that got sewn to a pineapple log cabin block this morning, and that's all thanks to Colleen and her artfully executed quilt guilt.  So, THANK YOU, Colleen, because without you this day would be a total waste!

My fellow quilters, I think it's time for an intervention.  Don't wait for me to hit rock bottom and end up on 60 minutes, screeching like a hyena and chasing people around with my rotary cutter!!  If you've never commented before, TODAY IS YOUR DAY.  HELP ME!!!

1. Any advice on how to piece those triangles quickly and accurately, or the best way to press those seam allowances in my Tabby Mountain quilt?
2. Will starching my flimsy applique background be enough, or will it need to be interfaced as well?
3. Should I applique by hand, by machine, or (gulp!), should I not start this project at all right now?

My Theraflu has worn off and my throat feels like sandpaper again.  I am now slinking out of the studio with my (invisible) tail between my legs and going downstairs to huddle in blankets on the sofa, in front of the TV.  Maybe tomorrow I will be healthy enough and brave enough to make something pretty.

Rebecca and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day: In Which 'Nina is Indisposed

Cartoon Sourced from Pro Sewing Machine Doctor here

Yesterday started off with tripping over Lars's backpack while setting my alarm in the dark as we were heading out to church.  Then later in the day I sustained a blistering burn to my left thumb from my steam iron as I was attempting to straighten the grain of newly washed fabric for my stash, and then after that I twisted my ankle on an uneven sidewalk slab while walking my dogs with my husband.  But worst of all, my Bernina 750 sewbaby would not boot up when it was time for Anders to work on his quilt.  She was working beautifully a few days ago, when I finished up Lars's window seat cushion, but yesterday the startup screen just cycled on and off over and over again and the machine would not start.

Boo hiss!  I know from the message boards that, when others have had this issue, it has taken their techs about 10 minutes to solve it by reloading firmware in most cases, but of course yesterday was Sunday and the shop was closed.  I have had this machine for 13 months now, so I was planning to bring it in for an annual "well baby" cleaning and maintenance soon, anyway, but she picked a lousy day to get sick and refuse to cooperate!  I only had about an hour and a half carved out for one-on-one sewing time with Anders, and it will be two weeks before it's his turn to work in the sewing room again.  He's quilting straight lines on his quilt with the walking foot on the Bernina, and I don't have a walking foot for the Featherweights so we couldn't just use another machine.  If I had known ahead of time that Miss Nina would be indisposed, I could have planned and set up for a new project for Anders to work on.  Instead, he watched episodes of I Love Lucy and The Big Bang Theory on the television while I scalded myself with the iron.  NOT how I had planned my afternoon to go!

The Princess and the Prius

Mercedes ML500 just like mine, but without the smeared up windows and crumbs,

So a week or two ago, I was suddenly seized with passion for the environment mixed with outrage over the high cost of gasoline.  Now that I'm on sabbatical and no longer need to fit 54" bolts of fabric in my car on a regular basis, perhaps my gas-guzzling SUV was no longer necessary?  My father had been gloating about how his new Lexus hybrid CH200h hatchback gets 42 miles to the gallon, whereas my Mercedes ML500 gets, um, well -- somewhere in the neighborhood of 15-18 miles to the gallon.  And of course, the Benz is a picky eater who only eats PREMIUM.  I entertained fantasies of saving hundreds of dollars in fuel costs every month while flaunting my Holier-and-Greener-Than-Thou attitude in a stylish, luxurious Hybrid of One's Own. 

Lexus CT200h Hybrid, just like my Dad's

In a fit of inspiration, I drove over to the Lexus dealership to look at their luxury hybrids.  I quickly came to my senses about the CT200h as I mentally packed my sons into the back seats, with their bookbags, piano music, school projects, and my purse piled on the front passenger seat, a violin and a trombone in the little trunk area, and the groceries and giant sacks of dog food -- where, strapped to the roof?  Then the nice Lexus man showed me the Lexus HS hybrid, a 4-door sedan with more head room for back seat passengers and space for more junk in the trunk.  The HS hybrid gets 35 miles per gallon of fuel, though, not quite as good as the CT, and when I went home and told Bernie about it he complained that there were plenty of cars that got 30 miles to the gallon without being hybrids.  He humored me by going to the Lexus dealership to test drive the car, then (loudly, embarrassingly) proclaimed "You will HATE this car, and I will have to hear about how much you hate it EVERY SINGLE DAY.  No!!"  The car salesman meekly offered his opinion about the "peppiness" and "driving pleasure" of the hybrid sedan, and my darling husband ticked off the flaws I had overlooked in my own test drive: the much slower acceleration, the increased road noise interfering with my classical music, the jarring jolt of every bump in the road...  He even complained that the door of the car didn't feel heavy enough.  Who needs a heavy door?  Me, apparently.  "She's used to driving a rocket ship that's built like a tank  -- Hey, what's this one?" His eyes had alighted on an even bigger hybrid sedan with even lower gas mileage (and a much higher price tag), some LS or GS something or other that looked like it should be packed full of men in suits on their way to a business lunch.  Nope; not the car for me.

We drove home, Bernie victorious, me sulking ever-so-slightly.  Then Bernie talked to his sister, who sang the praises of her Toyota Prius.  Bernie said, "If you really want great gas mileage, you should at least test-drive a Prius."  Oh, fine.  So we went to the Toyota dealership.

First off, the Toyota dealership is on a separate planet from the Mercedes and Lexus dealerships.  It's in another galaxy, far, far away, populated by salesmen named Vito (I am not making this up!) who shoo you into a little cubicle and insist on "getting some information first" before they will show you the car you came to see.  Then, when you protest that you are pressed for time and really just want to take a quick look at the car, Vito enthusiastically declares, "I can sell you a car in FIVE MINUTES!!"  Oh, goody!  The girl at the reception desk of the Toyota dealership is playing with her phone and never greets us or even makes eye contact.  No one offers me a complimentary beverage or snack.  It's like the difference between shopping at Nieman Marcus and shopping at Target, except that Target has much better customer service than the Toyota dealer. 

The UnSexy, Uninteresting Toyota Prius V

Bernie asks Vito to skip the formalities and let me drive the Prius V, because it's the biggest Prius model and, when you are 6'8" tall like my husband, you firmly believe that BIGGER IS BETTER.  I open the driver's door to this car, and immediately I smell the weird chemical smells of pleatherette upholstery.  I ask Vito, "Is this real leather upholstery?"  Unbelievably, Vito launches into a nonsensical spiel about how "you can't get real leather upholstery anymore unless you're buying a Rolls Royce."  Whaaaa?!  Do I look that stupid?  Whatever -- I told Bernie I'd drive the car, so I get in.  The Prius V drove a lot like the Lexus hybrids, which makes sense since they are all part of one big, happy car family.  Now that all the burled wood trim and posh interior detailing of the Lexus was stripped away, I was much more aware of the difference between how these cars feel to drive versus how my big SUV drives.  Ugh -- Fine, Bernie, YOU'RE RIGHT.  Once the giddy new-car excitement wore off, I would be very unhappy with a car that didn't take off like a bat out of hell when I stomped down on the gas pedal.  And yes, I DO need to stomp, because I like to drive like the Batman on the interstate.  Ah, Prius V, how did I hate thee?  Let me count the ways: 1. Your stinky fake leather upholstery and chemical fumes.  2. The lack of instrumentation near the steering wheel.  Why did they stick everything in the middle like that?  For the benefit of backseat drivers?  3. Your overwhelming stripped-down station wagon vibe.  4. The horrible Toyota dealership, which I will happily never set foot in again.

Inside the Toyota Prius V

See that weirdness?  There is no spedometer, no displays whatsoever anywhere near the driver.  Everything is in the middle and you have to crane your head to the right just to see how fast you're going.  I'd be zooming down the road, and my kids would be scolding me for speeding and I'd just have to take their word for it and turn up the radio to drown their protests.  And they're calling this the Mama Prius?

Inside the Mercedes ML500

Toyota, take note: This is what the inside of a Mommy Ride is supposed to look like.  Pretty wood trim on the console, doors, and steering wheel.  Spedometer located sensibly where only the driver can see it, because the passengers should mind their own business and quit telling Mommy how to drive. 

This princess can't tolerate the Prius, so I'm keeping my Benz.  I'll just have to make up for my planet-trashing SUV by buying organic produce and bringing reusable shopping bags with me when I go to the store!

Espresso Machine in Stable Condition Following Amateur Surgery, Awaiting Transplant

Espresso Machine, Just Out of Warranty, On the Operating Table

Out of nowhere, my Expobar Office Lever Plus espresso machine suffered a massive heart attack on Saturday evening.  It was plugged in and turned on, as it always is, heated up and ready to service coffee making whims at a moment's notice, when all of a sudden, the fuse blew.  We flipped the breaker, and it instantly blew again.  "Something has a short," Bernie declared, and he set about sleuthing to uncover the culprit.  Eventually he determined that my darling espresso machine was to blame, since everything was fine if he reset the fuse with my machine turned off, but the fuse blew immediately when he switched the espresso machine back on. 

At first, I begged him not to touch it.  Visions of, well, what you see pictured above, tormented my imagination, and the machine's manual warned us in big, bold type: THIS MACHINE CONTAINS NO USER SERVICEABLE PARTS.  I had a vague fear that Bernie would come up with some kind of MacGyver solution involving duct tape and a plyers hanging out of the side of the machine.  However, preliminary research uncovered the stark and ugly facts: This espresso machine was manufactured in Australia, and sold to me by an internet company out of Rochester, NY.  It weighs as much as Anders.  It is no longer under warranty, I did not save the original shipping carton, and even if I had, it would cost a fortune just in shipping to send my espresso machine to wherever the nearest authorized service center might be located, and it would take a small eternity to get it back again.  Reluctantly, worn down by caffeine deprivation and despair, I conceded and authorized Bernie to commence amateur exploratory surgery yesterday afternoon. 

My husband ripped off the sides of the machine, poked around in its mechanical guts, and determined that the heating element had gone bad.  He read through Internet espresso fanatic forums frequented by hard core coffee afficionados, and informed me that my machine's problem was "pretty common."  He briefly considered scouting around for something "that might work" from Lowe's or Home Depot, but when the smoke started pouring out of my ears and my eyeballs burned fiery red he reconsidered and promised to find actual espresso machine parts.

So here we are, Monday morning, and Bernie just got off the phone with the tech support department at Whole Latte Love, where I purchased my machine.  The good news is that it is possible to order a $75 replacement part to make my machine whole again.  The bad news is that the part is backordered until the end of the month.  Seriously?!  No lattes until April?  I'll be driving to Starbucks in my nightgown and bathrobe every morning at the break of dawn, before waking up the kids.  Don't you dare judge me, either -- that's why they have a drive-through!

So, You Always Wanted a Cleaning Service?

Some people will think I have no right to complain -- these are the people who do not have the luxury of a cleaning service, who either devote a great deal of time to cleaning their own homes, or who have simply resigned themselves to lower standards of cleanliness than what they would like.

I know that I'm very fortunate to have a team of professional housecleaners swoop in every two weeks for a thorough top-to-bottom clean.  I have only enjoyed this perk for the last several years, since my business took off to where house cleaning had become something that either didn't get done at all, or that took up ALL of my virtually-nonexistant free time.  I know what it's like to look around a filthy house, seeing dust, grime, and cobwebs everywhere and knowing that I would probably never get to it all because I had to prioritize the bathrooms and kitchens, and there was never more time once those areas were spic and span. 

Diane Keaton in Baby Boom

So, in the beginning, I alternated wildly between tearful gratitude that the cleaning people were coming and a horrible guilt that I wasn't able to "do it all" like the supermom movies of the '80s promised we could.  Diane Keaton managed to take care of a baby, a home, and launch a multi-million dollar baby food corporation in the movie Baby Boom, and I didn't see a maid service or anyone else helping her.

For me, the cleaning service is about the eternal balance between time and money.  When I had more time on my hands than money in the bank, I was cleaning my own home as best as I could.  When finances permit but time has grown scarce, a cleaning service enables me to give my client's projects the time and attention they deserve, and still have time left over to supervise homework and play dates, read to my kids at night, and occasionally even spend time with my husband.  So yes, I know I'm lucky to have a cleaning service, but still...

I have to tell you that, the day the cleaning service is coming, I have to do a bit of straightening up in preparation for their arrival.  They're coming to clean, not to neaten and organize, so it usually takes me a good hour to get rid of piles of mail and clear off surfaces, lay out clean sheets in all the bedrooms, set out the cleaning products I want them to use on my granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, and hardwood floors.  My husband will sometimes help with this, but then I have to listen to him complain, "Why do I have to clean the house and pay a cleaning service to do it?"  Because in his mind, if you put the junk mail in the recycle bin and pick up the toys, the house is clean.  Vacuum cleaners, disinfectants, and other cleaning products are all superfluous.  Whatever.

So today, it's cleaning day.  Because my cleaning service usually arrives around 11:30 AM, I talked my husband into bathing our dogs in the tub and hosing all the mud off of the inside of our screen porch first thing in the morning, before the cleaners even got here, so the dogs wouldn't track all that mud into our nice, clean house.  After bathing the dogs and hosing down the outdoor area rug in my screen porch with a bleach/water solution, my darling husband heroically decided to address the mud at the root of the problem -- the areas near the back door where grass never seems to have been planted.  It's a shady area, and although he tried seeding there a few weeks ago, it's constantly muddy from the rain and sprinklers and the dogs are running and skidding in it -- that seed doesn't have a chance at germinating. 

So, minutes before the cleaning service arrived, my husband headed out for the first of several trips to Lowe's to purchase strips of sod.  While the cleaning service was working on my second and third floors, I was working in my first floor office and my husband was loading, unloading, and rolling out heavy sod out in the mud and muck.  Sweaty, tired, immersed in yard work -- are you getting a good visual?  And remember, before starting the sod project, he had already bathed two uncooperative, pony-sized Rottweiler puppies in the bathtub and hosed down a muddy screen porch. 

At my husband's request, I had made a point of asking the "team leader" of my cleaning crew to be sure and dust the ceiling fans in my kitchen, which were filthy with dust after having been forgotten several weeks in a row.  When they came to dust and vacuum my office, I went upstairs to my sewing studio, thinking how nice it was that I could cut out a couple of blocks for Lars's quilt while my office was being cleaned.  But alas, no sooner had I turned on the lights and picked up my rotary cutter than the head cleaning lady came rushing down the hallway insisting that I'd "better come quick!"

My ceiling fan, the one in the vaulted ceiling above my kitchen island, was completely unscrewed from the motor and dangling precariously about 14' above my granite countertops with nothing at all holding it but electrical wire.  My eyes nearly bugged out of my head.  If that wire broke and the ceiling fan came crashing down on my countertops and sink, it could easily cause $20,000 worth of damage in the blink of an eye.  What was even more infuriating was that the cleaners claimed they "just barely touched it" with their dusting pole when it suddenly broke free from the ceiling, that it "must not have been screwed in all the way."  I lunged for the phone and called Bernie, who was loading up more sod at Lowe's, and he came racing home to switch gears from landscaper to electrician. 

This is the third time we have had problems with this cleaning service and hanging light fixtures.  Since we both work from home, my husband actually caught one of the cleaners lazily spinning my kitchen chandelier to dust it instead of walking around the table, and he warned them that the fixture would eventually unscrew if they continued to do it.  They promised not to spin the chandelier anymore.  But then my dining room chandelier, which is oblong (oval) instead of round, was hanging diagonally one day after the cleaners left instead of being lined up with the dining room table.  Obviously someone was spinning or twisting the chandelier while dusting it, which was annoying since we had already asked them not to do this, but when I called them about it they insisted that "it must not have been screwed in tightly enough."  Can I just tell you that my husband has personally replaced every single light fixture in this house, and there is no way that  he would only partially screw in a ceiling fixture.  It's not like we had hired some shady handyman electrician who just wanted to get paid and get out.  Plus my husband had caught them red handed, so to speak, spinning the kitchen chandelier just a few weeks earlier.  And now the Casablanca ceiling fan in my kitchen, which has a good 3" of threading that screws the fan into the motor housing, is mysteriously barely screwed in as well?  There's no doubt in my mind that, when they did remember to dust it, they were rotating the entire fixture from the stair landing, in the same direction each time, until finally today they knocked it completely loose.

So, those of you who wish you had the luxury of a cleaning service for your home, let me tell you how the rest of our day went.  My husband spent the entire afternoon reinstalling the ceiling fan, dropping dust, lint, and filth all over my countertops, stovetop, kitchen sink, and floor, cussing and complaining (justifiably) the entire time.  The cleaning service had offered to come back after their lunch break to finish mopping beneath the ceiling fan, since my husband's ladder had been in the way when they left, but when they called a few hours later he was still struggling with it.  By the time the ceiling fan was back where it belonged, it was time for Bernie to pick up the kids from school.  I spent the next hour and a half re-cleaning my stove, countertops, sink, and floors.  If you hate cleaning your house now, imagine how you'd feel about writing someone else a big check for cleaning your house and then having to spend the rest of your afternoon cleaning up the mess they left in your home.  What on earth would I have done if Bernie had been out of town when this happened?  Could I even have gotten an electrician to come out fast enough to save my countertops from a meteoric ceiling fan crash episode?

Here's the deal with my cleaning service, and unfortunately, I hear the same thing from other people about their experiences with residential cleaning services.  The first time they come out, they are gung-ho and they leave your home spotless and gleaming, but it tapers off after that and they start skipping more and more, spending less and less time cleaning your home, making you feel like you have to go around behind them inspecting in order to get what you're paying for -- and if you had time to do that, you might as well just clean your house yourself.

Before they left today, I did have to remind them to vacuum my sewing studio, but I didn't notice until hours later that my laundry sink is still all dusty -- it's obvious no one touched it.  This matters because, when I hired the cleaning service, the owner of the company walked through my home with me and we discussed all of the areas I wanted clean and what my expectations were -- and they calculated how much they were going to charge me based on my high expectations which are not being met.  I'm paying for my studio, laundry room, walk-in closets and pantry all to be dusted and vacuumed or mopped, whether they remember to do it each week or not.  And it's not like I couldn't think of anything better to spend the money on, either, with Stewardship Week going on at church, the capital fundraising going on at the kids' school, and the dreary college fund investment reports making me feel like I should just bury money in a coffee can instead of trying to invest.  Ugh. 

What do you think, Internet Friends?  Do you have a cleaning service, and if so, is yours working out better than mine?  I am really shaken by the incident today.  Someone could have been badly injured, my gorgeous granite countertops that I've had less than a year could have been destroyed, and my kitchen could have been demolished just five weeks before I'm scheduled to host my husband's entire family for Thanksgiving dinner.  I feel like I need to interview some other cleaning companies, but we've had other services in the past and they routinely broke things like secondary bath shower fixtures, vanity lights, and a stove burner, to name the oopses that come immediately to mind.  Is this just something I need to expect and deal with when I hire a cleaning service, or are there better companies out there?