Fathers' Day 2016, Minus a Father

Dad with Anders at Scholars Academy Holiday Feast in 2010

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was that I had to get over to the hospital to be with my dad in the ICU.  Then I remembered that he isn't there anymore, because he died last Tuesday and we had his funeral on Friday, two days before Father's Day.  My first Father's Day without a father.

Anders, Dad and Lars, Anders' First Birthday 2004

My dad was only 69.  It wasn't "his time."  His whole body shut down on him way too early before he got to see any of his grandchildren graduate from high school, let alone dance at their weddings or hold a great-grandchild in his arms.  It's not fair and it sucks.

Dad Taking Selfies at Lars's Confirmation, September 2015

The funeral service was beautiful, just the way he wanted it.  Dad picked out all the music he wanted and although there weren't many in the congregation, the choir loft was packed full of singers.  Because there's nothing else we could do for him except sing.

At the Funeral: Sister Susan, Cousin Allison, Me, Sister Janice, & Cousin Kerri

It was nice to have my sisters, aunts, uncles, and a few cousins together at the funeral, especially since they were flying in from California, Iowa, Minnesota, Chicago, New York and New Jersey on short notice.  But having everyone together like that WITHOUT Dad just made his absence so much more conspicuous, so surreal.

FrankenWhiggish Rose Applique

I worked on some needle turned applique while I was sitting in the hospital the first week, back when we thought that he would get better and come home.  I can't even look at it now.  It's the same project I was working on in the waiting room when I took my dad to all his doctor appointments and speech therapy appointments.  It's like sickness and death are stitched into it and now it's foul.

I did go in my sewing room yesterday, looking for something cut up and sew to take my mind off Father's Day, but nothing felt right.  How can I do something so frivolous when my house still smells like the lilies my sister-in-law sent to the funeral home, when we haven't even gotten the ashes back from the crematorium?  All I can do is clean.  Thankfully, both of my boys are away doing fun summer things this week.  They needed a break from all the sadness and my dad would want that for them.

I don't need anything, and I'll be fine.  Just not today.